Why Eating to Feel Good Makes Us Feel So Bad (And What to Do Instead)

Ever notice how babies have zero drama around food?  They let you know when they’re hungry, they eat happily until satisfied and they stop as soon as they’ve had enough.  Simple.

When do we lose this skill? 

I’m sure it happens gradually over a lifetime, but every time we’re praised for being a member of the Clean Plate Club, every skinned knee soothed with a lollipop, every heartbreak eased by an ice cream cone moves us one step closer to linking food with either boosting positive emotions or numbing negative ones.  We can’t blame the people who raised us – they want us to be properly nourished, they don’t want us to be in pain, they don’t want us to hurt.

The problem with this approach, though, is that emotions cannot be escaped.

No matter how much we want to distract or ignore or numb our way out of the emotions that we don’t want to feel, they’re always there lingering in the background of our minds.  And when our go-to method of dealing with them is by distracting or numbing (with food or Chardonnay or endless scrolling - pick your poison) we get a boost of dopamine and the relief of not having to deal with the emotion in the moment, but it always comes back, and it usually comes back stronger.  We feel great for a minute, but it’s just a Band-Aid.  It’s just a temporary fix. 

Here’s how it works - let’s say you’re feeling anger.  Your kids did something you’ve asked them countless times not to do, or your boss unfairly dumped a bunch of work on you, or someone stole your parking spot, whatever it is – you’re angry.  And it’s unpleasant, right?  You can’t seem to get it out of your mind - you’re going over the situation again and again, fuming over how this person could possibly treat you this way, catastrophizing over how always happens, imagining all the things you’d like to say to them, feeling the heat rise in your body as your fists start to feel clenchier and your chest starts to feel tighter and your face starts to feel hotter.  You can’t exist in this state very long.  It feels awful and you need relief.  Something’s got to give. 

And that cupcake or cheeseburger or bag of chips is happy to oblige.  When we turn to food in moments like this, we are temporarily blocking the negative emotions while absolutely flooding our systems with the positive ones.  Giddiness, excitement, joy, relief – we can finally distract our minds and bodies with something that feels good after spending SO much time feeling bad. 

The problem is it’s fleeting.  It feels so great…and then it’s gone.

As soon as the food haze wears off, the anger is still right there waiting for you.  Only now you’ve compounded it.  You’ve taken that anger and you’ve added a pile of stuff that feels even worse right on top – shame, disappointment, self-loathing, disgust.  Now you get to deal with those feelings, too.  Fun.

We’re compelled to deal with our negative emotions with food because we’re taught to when we’re young, because it feels good in the moment, because it’s what our brains are used to doing, and our brains hate change.  Cool idea, brain, but it doesn’t actually work.

When you zoom out and really look at it as a coping tool, it makes no sense.  In fact, it provides zero long-term relief and actually only makes everything way worse.

But what else can we do?  How can we actually feel better?

The answer is, you don’t try to make yourself feel better.  You just feel.

When you don’t eat in those moments, you are left with simply feeling the feelings. And this can sound daunting, but it’s actually amazing. 

The superpower of losing weight is that you have to learn how to feel. 

And when you learn the skill of feeling your feelings instead of numbing them, you actually get to feel like a little bit of a real live Superhero.  Because you begin to realize your power.

If there isn’t a single emotion out there in the world that can hurt us, if we’re actually able to feel it all and survive, well, then we can do anything, right?

And then our experience with food gets to be even more enjoyable, because it’s there simply for our pleasure, and not to delay our pain.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you will never again use food to celebrate or to try to make yourself feel better.  You’ll still probably do that all the time, especially in the beginning of your weight loss journey.  You just won’t do ONLY that – because that doesn’t work. 

Numbing out only makes uncomfortable emotions stronger.  It does the exact opposite of what we’re after when we turn to food to make ourselves feel better.  Working with a coach, understanding where our feelings come from and how to truly process them is the best way to start to feel a sense of control over our emotions.  And then food can just be fuel or it can be fun, which was all it was ever meant to be in the first place.